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Sex, Lies and Fairytales

or, The Life and Times of a Whimsical Layabout

10/26/13 11:01 pm - I would hurt a fly, but then feel bad about it

You might be forgiven for thinking otherwise if you have encountered my small-world missives observing the behaviour of those I find inoffensive, but, on the whole, I do not like insects. When I entered the bathroom to see a black shape standing out, even in the darkness, against the white windowframe, my first thought was cockroach. Thus, it was with relief that I turned on the light to find that the black shape was that of a large housefly.

I opened the window intending to shoo it out, but actually ended up comically flailing my arms about for some minutes, as it buzzed haplessly about the tiny bathroom, eventually evading me by crawling behind the large mirror affixed to the wall. Hmm, thought I, a little puff of fly spray will get it out from behind there. "I'm going to get the poison," I threatened aloud.

The fly took heed for when I came back it was nowhere to be found, could it have actually taken the opportunity of the still-open window? But no, I could hear it buzzing still... from overhead. Where could it be but inside the ceiling light: an ugly thing that combines a light, heat lamp and extractor fan. The poison was duly applied, but no response. Had it crawled out of reach? Or would it die slowly up there, forcing me to guiltily listen to its prolonged death throes as I shower?

The fan! I realised suddenly. That would surely flush it out. Forgetting perhaps, that the purpose of an extractor fan is to draw air away. After a moment, there was one last sick, terrifying sound as it struck the fan and was dismembered, causing a tiny rain of hairy fly legs.

The rest of the corpse being, I suppose, still somewhere overhead. Perhaps, I think grimly each time I pass beneath, poised to fall at any moment.

8/14/13 11:40 pm - Hark, hear the bells

I saw a cat walking with a disturbingly stiff-legged gait. Head jutted forward awkwardly, it stepped with slow and jerky motions and, observing, I thought, What is wrong with that cat?

Now, however, my neighbour's bell-adorned cats have given up the attempt at silence, and are frolicking outside my house in merry jingling chorus.

12/23/11 10:55 pm

I was twice complimented on the length of my arms today.

10/19/10 10:31 pm - Still life

The potted Phalaenopsis orchid on my bedside table has squeezed out a third flower. Each is a purplish-pink, and rather than appearing at intervals along the same stem--the practice which achieves its distinct silhouette--the confused plant has created an abundance of short stems, each with one flower or what could be the makings of a future one.

This morning a spider began to festoon web between the tallest flower and the stem. Ordinarily I am not over-fond of spiders, but as this one is approximately the size of a sesame seed I am able to forgive the transgression. It's not often that this act of creation takes place in such close proximity; generally I see only the finished product, beautiful until a successful catch tears the delicate fabric, destroying the intricate pattern. In this instance I was privy to various stages of development, from the framework to the neatly woven result. Sesame crouches at the centre, having so far captured only minuscule particles of dust.

8/7/10 11:30 pm - Satine, champion mouser

Satine was making quite urgent sounding cat howls at the door. "Ouw!" she said, "Ouw! Yaouw! Mrrrraouw!" She paced, she danced, she howled.

Opening the door--intending to ask her if Timmy was stuck down the well again--the real cause of her excitement became immediately obvious. Satine had struck down a small black mouse, who now lay motionless on the doormat.

Though less than appealing, I congratulated Satine on her hunting prowess as she continued to brag of it with great enthusiasm. (Ouw! Yaouw! Mrrrraouw!) On a high of feline dominance, she rubbed her recently mouse-bloodied jaw on the corners of things.

She demanded to be let in and out, and in and out again. I heard her playing with the mouse on the back porch. Amid yowls there was a macabre thud as the corpse was thrown against the wall. She has hidden it somewhere, now.

Satine's quite uncontainable pride leads me to believe this to be her first mousing experience, as she would almost certainly have shared any previous capture with just as much vigour.

It is a sad day in the family of mice, I'm sure, but as the first successful hunt in Satine's eight years of life, there could hardly be expected a sizeable impact on population.

6/29/10 03:28 pm

I think there is a gremlin controlling the weather who waits for me to go out for a walk before making it rain.

6/25/10 08:01 pm - Hansel Comes to Dinner

Some witches have been known to encase their homes in candy to entice small children within reach of their kitchen, but the June 2010 issue of Your Home and Garden magazine has come up with a less sticky method.

Appealing to vanity rather than greed, the desire to prove their artistic worth so distracts the child that they are prone to forget they are even in the kitchen. Have a large pot--with secure lid--ready for when the stretch toward a clear space causes the child to overreach and perhaps stumble a little to the right. (Right where you want them--notice the strategic oven placement.)

6/24/10 10:44 pm - Non-Browning

The name 'Browning Orchids' seems to carry some negative connotations for a grower of fresh flowers (I would like some non-browning orchids, please). However, on inspection of their premises, I am willing to believe the name was coined for reasons unrelated to the state of their blooms.

I'd never seen its like: an endless greenhouse corridor cut a swath through wall to wall orchids, stretched out in their orderly rows, neatly signposted by variety to divide the view into bands of pink and yellow, white and green.

When I have called the orchid my favourite flower, I was referring to the phalaenopsis species, but I wouldn't have admitted that within earshot of the self-satisfied cymbidiums crouching on comfortable platforms and proudly growing each a spear to hold their colours high.


Here we see a pleasant froth of white-faced blooms. In the distance it is possible to make out a wave of pink lapping gently at the white's border. One photograph cannot recreate the sheer volume of orchids, but perhaps you can imagine scores of these rows stretching before you, to each the right and left.

5/25/10 11:13 pm - Neopets related

25 May 2000                 25 May 2010

Happy birthday, Chikan.

4/18/10 03:25 pm - I made this

I made thisCollapse )
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